Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (2012) define crucial conversations as “a discussion between two or more people where stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong” (p. 3). Everyday life consists of different types of conversations. However, difference of opinions can take a casual conversations and turn them into crucial conversations. It is best to know the signs that lead to crucial conversations and the skills that help to prevent them below.
Start with the Heart
Start with the heart helps to keep you focused on what you really want. By starting with your own heart, it makes it easier to communicate your goals and ideas. Knowing my own heart will help to keep everything on track. It will also help to show respect for others on my team when engaging in crucial conversations. It is easy to fall back into heated conversations when someone has preconceived notions and are reluctant to try a new initiative. It is important to keep an open mind and respect others feelings while helping them move forward.
Learn to Look
Learning to look helps to identify when safety is at risk and when a conversation becomes crucial; signs to watch for include safety problems, silence and violence, and your style under stress. It is important to know what others are feeling throughout the implementation process. Not paying attention to this can result in conversations escalating and failing. Communication is key to a successful initiative. By having regular meetings, regardless of length, it will help to keep an open dialogue with everyone involved.
Make it Safe
Making it safe gives you ways to spot safety issues and the ability to step aside from the conversation in order to rebuild safety and discuss anything. Without being able to step aside, you may end up in heated conversations resulting in a loss of respect. There will always be roadblocks along the way in any initiative. It is best to hear everyone’s concerns, establish a mutual purpose and brainstorm strategies. This will help give everyone a voice while establishing better relationships within the group.
Master Your Stories
Mastering your stories helps to learn how to control your emotions if you’re hurt, angry or upset over how something is going. Do a self check on your emotions to decide why you feel the way you do and what led to that feeling. After figuring this out, find the facts. This will help to diffuse an argument because facts typically are not attached to any emotion.
STATE My Path
STATE my path gives you the tools to help you discuss sensitive subjects. STATE stands for Share your facts, Tell your story, Ask for others’ paths, Talk tentatively, and Encourage testing. These tools help to know what to do and how to do it. Always start with something that is not controversial. Explain and share your own story and encourage others to do the same in a safe space. This will make everyone comfortable with sharing their thoughts, feelings and ideas without fear or repercussions from others. Always try to keep an open mind because you never know when someone may have an idea that will benefit the initiative.
Explore Others’ Paths
Explore others’ paths gives you the tools to be able to listen when your team members become silent or blow up. Be patient and use these listening skills to build mutual respect and safety. These listening skills include ask, mirror, paraphrase and prime (Patterson, et al, 2012, p. 174). Be interested in everyone’s views, acknowledge what others are feeling, let them know you were listening to what they said, and let everyone know it’s safe to share their thoughts and feelings. Using these tools can help to earn their trust and can lead to effective dialogue.
Move to Action
Move to action turns crucial conversations into action and results. Work with your team members to make decisions or decide who will make decisions and how those decisions will be made. Regardless of how the decisions will be made, it is important to be clear on when each goal should be accomplished by. Be sure to have clear instructions and deadlines in order to achieve results and hold everyone accountable.
Self-differentiation is an emotional process of regulating your own anxiety. By using the tools within Crucial Conversations combined with self-differentiation, you can become a better leader who can self-differentiate and know how to handle your own emotions, as well as the emotions of everyone within your group. It allows your to self-reflect and know how to handle your own reactions to others. Self-differentiated leader are able to excel because they have the ability to rise above above the emotional baggage and use the above skills in crucial conversations in order to properly lead change.
References
Bardwell, M. D. (2010, November 10). Friedman’s theory of differentiated leadership made simple. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgdcljNV-Ew&feature=youtu.be
Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. Columbus, OH: McGraw Hill.